…doesn’t mean I’m okay…

I know this is going to sound like one of those blogs by a 14 yr old who wouldn’t know real love it jumped out and bit them. Many reading this will be able to understand, but not relate. Even if he takes the time to read this- he probably won’t understand. But, I don’t seem to have anyone else to talk to right now.

Since Sunday morning when life as I knew it shattered around me I haven’t stopped long enough to feel. I haven’t cried. I smile around friends, and I even go above and beyond trying to have a good time. On the outside – I’m a crazy, fun, ecstatic, happy girl. Mostly because I am determined to survive this. More determined than I ever have been about anything. I will not be a weird bitter cat girl who lives alone the rest of her life…

I cannot begin to describe the depth of my pain because I have not yet been all the way down there. I’m staring down into the abyss that was once my heart… not knowing how deep the wounds go. A supermassive black hole.

I know how much I loved him. A question I asked myself out of mere curiousness every day-now answered. The first thought I had after he told me that he no longer loved me was of how much I loved him anyway – and that I asked God to help him get his dreams, and all he ever hopes for, and that one day he finds someone that he loves as much as I loved him… unconditional love at its core…

Now, here comes the point where all my friends tell me that I’ll find someone else, the one I’m meant to be with. Thats all fine and good but i know the statistics. I know how often unconditional love like that happens… and its not twice a lifetime. don’t get me wrong – I’m not giving up – and I’m not saying its impossible, but lets be realistic. One of my friends did say something wise. She said that the pain might not ever go away but it will lessen over time

The tears haven’t started yet, but the pain sure has. Almost like the edges of my heart are being singed… its only a matter of time before my heart is so engulfed in flames that I will be tempted to claw it out of my own chest. There are times, when I’m alone that it threatens to consume me until I find something to focus on, though it becoming more difficult to beat back the burn. Tonight – the pain seems to grow by the second.

Only time will tell how bad it will get. All I can do is cry to the heavens and ask God to take my pain and replace it with his Grace. I find myself doing this often.

I’m starting to come to the conclusion that men are not capable of love. If they can fall in and out of love as the waves beat up on the shore, what kind of love is that? But I cannot help ask myself why God would curse women to be the only ones capable of true, unfailing love. Or is that the cruelest trick the devil ever played? To design a world so endearing that men are too fickle to ignore the illusions for truth. And maybe I’m trying to convince myself that men cannot love just to make myself feel better.

How I’m fooling the world and keeping myself too busy to feel:

Working – every damn shift I can get
Keeping my radio in my car off – so those songs don’t sneak up on me…
Only watching movies with out romantic plot lines – you have NO idea how difficult that is…
Going to sleep as soon as I stop having things to do.
Not stopping to think about good dreams when I wake up. I even talk to myself in the shower to avoid them.
Trying to spend every night out of my house. I’m running out of gas money.
Pretending I’m perfectly fine around friends so that they don’t randomly bring up the pain by asking if I’m still doing okay or offering advice that just reminds me of the acid eating at my heart.

If anyone has anymore Ideas im open to suggestions.